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VRS 2000
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VRS 2000

Published The Republican

Looking for a new you? Lost your cherry and suddenly your life's a tasteless fruit salad? You can now change all that. While pornography on the Net is apparantly turning our Stepford children into deviants, modems are breaking up marriages, intimate encounters on Cuseeme are keeping people from singles bars and newsgroups allow indulgences for all sorts of fetishes, no one seems to be aware that you can create sexual amnesia from a Website. The Society for the Recapture of Virginity has induced the extraordinary claim "I love not having sex! Life without it is fantastic!" I guess you can always tell an unstable person by their overuse of exclamation marks. "Eight years ago I woke up one morning and the coffee just didn't taste right," says writer and humanitarian Mafrica O'Mally, founder of the Society for the Recapture of Virginity. Some people would just check the use by date on the Vittoria but she checked her sexuality and deemed it stale. Just fill in the questionnaire with a few details, like what you heard at that special moment (Dogs barking, mosquito's, others losing it are suggested), how long it took (timed to the second) and you are well on your way to carnal innocence. "Thanks to SRV, my kids and I can walk down the street with our heads held high," cries one woman. Apparently, 67% of American Olympians are virgins. VRS 3000 users can benefit from 300% lower death rate, orgasms 200% stronger and food tastes better. Makes sex look dull in comparison but are they good enough reasons to relive your adolescent pre-coital subnormality? The VRS 3000 is a "victorious creation through numerous and often painful prototypes,"(ooer) resulting in a wristband equipped with a custom encoded microchip which adjust your biorhythms while you sleep so that you will awake a virgin. Providing the html of the "I am a virgin" badge to put on your own site is a brilliant piece of PR but most entrancing was the option of viewing your own virginity in 3D enhancement according to a few scant details. Mine looked like a drunk stick insect with unusually large shoes. This site embodies all that is great about the Internet. Based (need we ask) in California with a number to call (1-888-GET BACK) the RSV is either the product of a deluded spiritualist, a hilarious con job or a fresher mint in the whiffy gob of life. Whatever you decide, it does embody the Net surfer's chance to expound on any theory, buy any piece of weird crap and champion any cause. What better place to promote a delightful life refreshment than the Internet, where users are often pasty faced obsessives sustaining themselves on coffee, ergonomic chairs and fluorescent lighting? It's like selling sunshine to miners.


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